Karma strikes quickly...

I shouldn’t laugh but damn...

The Irony! I mean really – you run over someone and within hours the same exact vehicle runs over you!

Karma really does kill.
 

Tip-toe through the tulips

46 years.

That is how long it has been since we have had measureable snow in May. I am SO VERY TIRED of the cold and snowy weather.  I thought I would include a couple of photos. Even though I am completely sick of this weather the photos really have some beauty to them in a sad sort of way.

The tulips in our yard.

Piggies - to be more specific - Big Papa Piggy

I am MAD. I hunted.


And hunted.


And searched.


And hunted some more.

I could not find the BEFORE picture of this post. It was so long ago that I started this process I somehow lost how ugly and horrible my big toe was and now this post just won't quite be the same. I will do my best to tell you it was I-C-K-Y.

It was short, thick, multi layered, flaky mess. It had been this way for 30 year or so. Yes, you read that right. I lost my toenail twice as a child and it just never grew back correctly. I was doomed to ugly big toe. Yes, people made fun of it. I was self conscious. I hated it. I did not know what to do to change things. It was HORRIBLE.

Then I saw an add for Piggy Paste. Yes, that is what it is called. It promised grand things. I marched into Walgreen's to see for myself if this was worth purchasing.  I caved and spent $40 for the small tube of goo. I was so tired of my ugly toe.  I began applying as directed. I should have invested in the Band Aid company as it required the toe to be covered with a Band Aid every single day so the product could stay on my toenail. I went through boxes!

Time past. More time past. I wondered if there was any hope for my big ugly Papa toe?  Here is a photo I did find. I call this my in progress toe. The ugliness had cleared up a lot. Much of the flaking and discoloration had left by the time this photo was taken but you can still see some ugliness at the top of the nail. 

One side affect of using this medication regularly was the dryness of the skin around my nail. It would dry out and peel layers of skin off. I had to use lotion on the skin all the time to alleviate the itch. That, and I would also go a couple days without using the product to let my skin recover.

Now the tube is gone. Am I please with the results. Yes. Is it perfect No. I will never have a completely beautiful Papa Piggy but he is now manageable and I am definitely glad I purchased the product.  THANKS Piggy Paste.

After:

Proportions

I have noticed something in my healthful drinking ways. My body is not built to drink gallons of water. OK, yes I do drink a lot of water because it is healthy,flushes my kidneys of toxins, keeps my skin younger looking, blah blah blah BUT there are side effects of all this water.

The biggest one is bathroom runs! They are constant. It borders on ridiculous.  Below is my visual representation of why I am in the bathroom all the freaking time.

Yes you may laugh at my drawing skills :-)

Thank you East(nickname they will hate) for getting me to post this as a blog!

How times have changed - or have they? Part 1

Hubby had this book, Handbook for Husbands (and Wives) NEW REVISED EDITION - A complete guide for sexual adjustment in marriage.

Copyright 1949 - no that is not a typo.

Lord knows where he got it but some of the information in there made me roll with laughter. You know I had to read it since we have been married 2.5 years now and I hadn't read it yet. 1949...wow. Poor Google spell check couldn't even figure out some of these words!!

Here are some excerpts from the book and of course my comments. Enjoy.

We will start with the end of the book first - The Glossary

Clitoridectomy - removal of the clitoris. WHY WHY WHY would you do this?

Coitus interruptus - the act of withdrawing the phallos from the vagina before the orgasm occurs to prevent pregnancy.

Coitus reservatus - the act of inserting the phallos into the vagina but refraining from performing the copulatory movements to prevent an orgasm. Seems like a letdown.

Cunnilingus - the application of the mouth or tongue to the vulva. This is not considered a perversion by modern medical authorities when performed as a pre-coital gesture, only when it takes the place of normal coitus. THANK GOD I am not a pervert! HA.

Fairy - nickname for a male homosexual.

Fellatio - the act on taking the penis into the mouth. This is not considered a perversion by modern medical authorities when indulged in as a pre-coital gesture, only when it replaces the normal sex act.

PRE-COITAL GUYS - not entire act!!!

Pessary - an instrument placed in the vagina to support the uterus or rectum. Also a medicated vaginal suppository used to prevent conception by closing the mouth of the uterus.

Pornography - the literature or bibliography of prostitution. Obscene writing or photography.

Smegma - the secretions found under the prepuce (fold covering clitoris) and around the labia minora and clitoris, creating an unpleasant odor when not washed away. I learned something on this one!

Sodomy - intercourse between males by the anus. Most state penal codes also consider intercourse between a man and a woman via the anus as sodomy, even if the couple is married. I wonder if those "PENAL" codes have changed in the last 60 years or there is a lot of illegal activity going on between married couples these days...

Tribade - a woman with a long clitoris who practices tribadism as a means of sexual gratification.

Tribadism - mutual friction of the genitals and especially the clitoris between women as a means of achieving a sexual orgasm.

Vaginismus - contraction of the vaginal opening which prevents intercourse.

Venus Observa - the normal face to face position in intercourse. Here I thought that was called missionary position.

Zoophilism - sexual pleasure experienced in the fondling of animals. What?!?!?!? I can't pet my cats any more.

Now that we have the terminology down, we can get into the meat of the book. I have a feeling this blog post is going to need to be broken down into multiple parts.

Table of Contents - Even this mundane section of the book is interesting.

Sex Education After Marriage - Sex ignorance is a major cause of divorce. The high rate of divorce and sex crimes attributed to a prudish attitude. I thought money and infidelity was...

The Male Sex Organs - Size of penis(since the beginning of time men have had this fascination!!!), parts of penis, pubic hair arrangements(is this part it on the left, right, or down the middle???), cause of erections, pre-coital secretion.

The Female Sex Organs - Vulvar cleft pubic hair arrangements(what is the fascination? No wonder everyone shaves these days), clitoris-erection, points torn by intercourse(I would hope this is a onetime event), position to view interior of canal(I do NOT want to see up in there, Thank you very much), position for husband to locate muscles, douching dangers, orifices(REALLY?!!?!?!?), relation between breast size and woman's sexual capacity(THAT is why my breasts are so big and keep growing!), factors determining a woman's libido.

True Sexual Responsibility - sex single biggest factor in success of marriage, causes of sexual failure in marriage, common mistaken attitude regarding coitus, sex must be studied(some topics are never tired of being studied), time required, conditions required to perform coitus satisfactorily, frequency of intercourse(oh this should be interesting).

Causes of Sexual Failure in Husbands - impotency, masturbation, venereal disease(yes that could cause problems bringing that home), small penis, exercise to lengthen penis(it won't work), mother fixation(ewwwwwww).

Frigidity in Wives - cause of girls masturbating, frigidity induced by mothers, premarital petting(holy buckets I can hardly wait to see what they say about this).

Overcoming Difficulties - premature ejaculation, resistant hymen, tension, too quick orgasms, fear of pregnancy.

Bust Development with Hormone Creams - creams unsafe, why hormones won't increase size of most breasts, shape more important than size, disadvantages of large breasts, suggestions for women with small busts(no wonder implants are so popular).

Primarily for Husbands - desire in women compared to desire in female animals(I seriously want to kill the author for even putting this in the book- animals!!!), why there are no frigid females in the animal kingdom, why husbands fail to satisfy their wives, wives who don't care to climax(haven't met one of these type of women yet), husbands who work in the dark.

Primarily for Wives - woman's lower libido, tantalizing the husband after marriage, over-doing intimate exposure, best means for a wife to maintain her sexual appeal, sex-sloppy wives, selection of the under-clothing, natural female functions of interest to the husband.(This whole chapter looks like a FUCK YOU author chapter. I can bet you $ I will have some things to say about this.)

Pre-coital stimulation - husband's primary duty, necessity for wife to rid herself of inhibitions, the art of kissing, stimulating the clitoris, determining if lubrication of vulva is sufficient(will it go in easy and slide easy - sufficient).

Preparations for coitus - establishing a flexible plan, love-play for virgin wives, love-play for resourceful wife and timid husband, playing 20 sexual questions, pet names.

Positions for intercourse - reasons for various positions, accommodating mis-matched organs, position to view the phallos being inserted into the vagina, seated positions, aligning the sexual organs, air in the vagina(hate when that happens!), the ideal sexual union(I can only imagine what this dude will come up with).

Coital movements - keeping informed of the wife's progress(is there a plug in meter?), assisting the wife who has failed to climax, penis captivus(a problem????).

Special pre-coital stimulation - sexual black magic the timid brides dilemma, anal-intercourse, perfuming of the vulva(EEEK), vaginal urination(today I believe this is called squirting).

General Sexual Information - the orgasms, length of coitus(I am sure Mr. Davis will give exact times), genitalia hygiene for husbands and wives.

Part 2 will delve into the book itself. Please come back for that fun!!!

 

FIT n FAT

I know, I should have way more blogs but it's just that I spend so much time exercising I can't get any blog time in.  I can't type and treadmill at the same time. Maybe I could if I was going 2mph but that won't burn enough calories for my liking so I huff and puff and my blogging falls by the wayside.

I just want to tell all of you, I am living proof that you can be Fit AND Fat.  If you caught me on the scales and put my height and weight into any BMI calculator, I would be either overweight or obese. To look at me, ya you would say she is chunky but looks happy.  Overall I am pretty happy except for doctors and BMI charts and people frowning because I am not the ideal size that an insurance company came up with 60 years ago.

Now for a little background. I grew up as a F-A-T kid. Compared to today's kids I would look again chunky but not fat. Let me just say kids are HORRIBLE. They will tease each other about anything. Your hair is to long, your hair is the wrong color, but when you are fat...That is universal. On Valentines Day. I always got the pig Valentines. Fatty fatty two by four was a standard song I heard. I was ALWAYS selected last in P.E. class. You get the picture. I can very much relate to overweight people and the things they suffer through. Been there done that.

In high school things improved slightly. One summer I dropped over 50 pounds. People didn't recognize me. I liked it. It didn't help in gym class but at least the fatty fatty jokes stopped.  How did I lose the weight? I quit eating. I would only eat dinner and maybe an apple for lunch. I was in high school and you can do anything in high school.

Then came college. I put on the freshman 15 at least and some of the comments came back. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do so I found these pills called Dexatrim. They helped me not be so hungry so I could starve again. Life was good. I was to naive to know how bad for me they were. I am pretty sure they messed up my metabolism or something... Anyway...

After college I went to work. They had a health fair at work. I attended being the naive 20 something I was. What could it hurt? It did. They told me I was over weight. My BMI was at like a 23 or 24. I needed to lose some weight and tone up. Again - devastation hit. I am 5'6" and probably weighed around 135 pounds yet they told me I was in serious trouble.

Now I added exercise to my diet routine. I began walking at lunch. I remember walking 20 blocks or so in my suit at lunch to get my lunch of a bag of popcorn. I was trying. After work I would go for bike rides. I would take aerobic classes. Once I started, I have never stopped. I have been exercising 4+ days a week for 25 years or more. The type of exercise has varied over the years but I have always did something. I exercised up to the day of giving birth on all 3 of my children. (The folks at work still talk about that.) I started exercising after they were born before the doctor gave me the OK to exercise. I was busy chasing kids but still exercised. My weight crept up even with all that. I did stop taking those evil diet pills and began the never ending cycle of constant hunger.

So here I am now well into my 40's. Still exercising and still obese. I personally think I am in pretty good shape. I can R-o-C-k the treadmill. In one hour I can burn 600+ calories. If you know anything about a treadmill workout, that isn't bad.  Some days I even do multiple workouts a day. Those kill me. I am so sore. This old body is getting tired, but on I keep going.

To look at me you wouldn't know it but my resting heart rate is 56-58. My blood pressure is right around 100/60. I am not on any medications. I am fit AND fat.

So now I am sure you are thinking I also rock the McDonald's a lot to do all that working out and still be fat. WRONG. I do NOT eat fast food. As a matter of fact I have given up eating out almost 95% of the time. Even good choices of restaurant food contain to much sodium. In the last two years I have overhauled my eating. People thought I ate healthy before. HA. Now I watch levels of everything in my foods. Am I perfect? HELL NO, but I really am trying hard to eat well.

I do use a website to help me stay on track. It is: Calorie Count There are a lot of sites out there but this one is free and easy to use. It tracks food and activity and a must if you are serious about being healthy. I average an A or A- on eating via that website. Yes, they give you grades and food will surprise you.  I also eat between 1200 and 1600 calories a day - not a lot. Again, I should be thin but I am not.

I guess I am writing this blog to give Hope to all those out there who are overweight. You don't have to be a size 0-6 to be healthy and happy. I am currently a size 14/16 just to show you I am being honest and sincere. You don't hear to often about people like me but I am here to share the news. Do your best. Keep a record of activity and food that enters your mouth. Make changes as you can. Keep on truckin!!!
 

Leave it to the engineers...

The company I work for never ceases to amaze me at the things it comes up with to cause me to shake my head in wonderment.  Here is a new one I just HAVE to share with my readers.  This very detailed email was actually sent to an entire floor of workers. Be sure to contrast that with our floor. I have italicized the email. If you can't make it through skip to non-italic fields for rest of blog.

Subject: Refrigerator Cleaning Plan

 All,

Engineering has initiated a process to improve the cleanliness and health of the third floor refrigerators.  In order to begin the regular cleanings, the two units will be completely emptied and cleaned March 1, 2013.  All food located in the refrigerators or associated freezers on that day will be disposed.  Packages may be disposed or recycled.  Personal lunch pails and containers will be saved and placed on the counters for a week before also being disposed or recycled.

PLEASE EMPTY ALL REFRIGERATOR CONTENTS FOR THE MARCH 1 PURGING.

Going forward, a labeling system will be implemented to protect your food from disposal and to ensure all refrigerator contents are not expired.

1. Engineering will provide tape on a hook with a pen for labeling items.
1. Labels should include owner’s name and date of storage.
2. Write “FOR STAFF” if you’d like to share it with others on the floor.  “FOR STAFF” items will not be disposed until the expiration date on the item.
2. Anything not labeled at the last Friday of each month or that has a label that is more than a month old will be disposed.
1. Containers and lunch pails will not be tossed. They will be rinsed and placed on the counter for a week.
2. Food will be tossed in the trash can, liquids in the sink.

Thank you for your attention to the health and safety of the floor,

Did you actually read all that? I mean my head began to swim after the first couple bla bla bla sentances and I am a detail oriented person!!!

Now for the Refrigerator Cleaning Plan on our NON-engineering floor:

Note posted on refrigerator door -


THIS REFRIGERATOR IS BEING CLEANED TOMORROW. RETRIEVE YOUR FOOD BY THEN OR IT WILL BE TOSSED!

I like ours - simple, to the point, no bureaucracy.