A little bit of love

My husband and I ride to work together. Part of our ritual is before we get out of the car we give each other a kiss.

This morning we were both mad. He was mad at me and I was mad at him. It was a quiet ride to work with him sitting cross armed in the passenger seat and me grumbling as I am driving.

We get to work and I park. I just want to get out of the car and run screaming away. It is time for our morning ritual. I look over and there he is all puppy eyed looking at me. He is all puckered up and ready.

I say, "What do YOU want?"

He bats his eyes, leans closer and says "Trouble, that's why I married you."

Me - anger floating away as I kiss him.

How times have changed - or have they? Part 1

Hubby had this book, Handbook for Husbands (and Wives) NEW REVISED EDITION - A complete guide for sexual adjustment in marriage.

Copyright 1949 - no that is not a typo.

Lord knows where he got it but some of the information in there made me roll with laughter. You know I had to read it since we have been married 2.5 years now and I hadn't read it yet. 1949...wow. Poor Google spell check couldn't even figure out some of these words!!

Here are some excerpts from the book and of course my comments. Enjoy.

We will start with the end of the book first - The Glossary

Clitoridectomy - removal of the clitoris. WHY WHY WHY would you do this?

Coitus interruptus - the act of withdrawing the phallos from the vagina before the orgasm occurs to prevent pregnancy.

Coitus reservatus - the act of inserting the phallos into the vagina but refraining from performing the copulatory movements to prevent an orgasm. Seems like a letdown.

Cunnilingus - the application of the mouth or tongue to the vulva. This is not considered a perversion by modern medical authorities when performed as a pre-coital gesture, only when it takes the place of normal coitus. THANK GOD I am not a pervert! HA.

Fairy - nickname for a male homosexual.

Fellatio - the act on taking the penis into the mouth. This is not considered a perversion by modern medical authorities when indulged in as a pre-coital gesture, only when it replaces the normal sex act.

PRE-COITAL GUYS - not entire act!!!

Pessary - an instrument placed in the vagina to support the uterus or rectum. Also a medicated vaginal suppository used to prevent conception by closing the mouth of the uterus.

Pornography - the literature or bibliography of prostitution. Obscene writing or photography.

Smegma - the secretions found under the prepuce (fold covering clitoris) and around the labia minora and clitoris, creating an unpleasant odor when not washed away. I learned something on this one!

Sodomy - intercourse between males by the anus. Most state penal codes also consider intercourse between a man and a woman via the anus as sodomy, even if the couple is married. I wonder if those "PENAL" codes have changed in the last 60 years or there is a lot of illegal activity going on between married couples these days...

Tribade - a woman with a long clitoris who practices tribadism as a means of sexual gratification.

Tribadism - mutual friction of the genitals and especially the clitoris between women as a means of achieving a sexual orgasm.

Vaginismus - contraction of the vaginal opening which prevents intercourse.

Venus Observa - the normal face to face position in intercourse. Here I thought that was called missionary position.

Zoophilism - sexual pleasure experienced in the fondling of animals. What?!?!?!? I can't pet my cats any more.

Now that we have the terminology down, we can get into the meat of the book. I have a feeling this blog post is going to need to be broken down into multiple parts.

Table of Contents - Even this mundane section of the book is interesting.

Sex Education After Marriage - Sex ignorance is a major cause of divorce. The high rate of divorce and sex crimes attributed to a prudish attitude. I thought money and infidelity was...

The Male Sex Organs - Size of penis(since the beginning of time men have had this fascination!!!), parts of penis, pubic hair arrangements(is this part it on the left, right, or down the middle???), cause of erections, pre-coital secretion.

The Female Sex Organs - Vulvar cleft pubic hair arrangements(what is the fascination? No wonder everyone shaves these days), clitoris-erection, points torn by intercourse(I would hope this is a onetime event), position to view interior of canal(I do NOT want to see up in there, Thank you very much), position for husband to locate muscles, douching dangers, orifices(REALLY?!!?!?!?), relation between breast size and woman's sexual capacity(THAT is why my breasts are so big and keep growing!), factors determining a woman's libido.

True Sexual Responsibility - sex single biggest factor in success of marriage, causes of sexual failure in marriage, common mistaken attitude regarding coitus, sex must be studied(some topics are never tired of being studied), time required, conditions required to perform coitus satisfactorily, frequency of intercourse(oh this should be interesting).

Causes of Sexual Failure in Husbands - impotency, masturbation, venereal disease(yes that could cause problems bringing that home), small penis, exercise to lengthen penis(it won't work), mother fixation(ewwwwwww).

Frigidity in Wives - cause of girls masturbating, frigidity induced by mothers, premarital petting(holy buckets I can hardly wait to see what they say about this).

Overcoming Difficulties - premature ejaculation, resistant hymen, tension, too quick orgasms, fear of pregnancy.

Bust Development with Hormone Creams - creams unsafe, why hormones won't increase size of most breasts, shape more important than size, disadvantages of large breasts, suggestions for women with small busts(no wonder implants are so popular).

Primarily for Husbands - desire in women compared to desire in female animals(I seriously want to kill the author for even putting this in the book- animals!!!), why there are no frigid females in the animal kingdom, why husbands fail to satisfy their wives, wives who don't care to climax(haven't met one of these type of women yet), husbands who work in the dark.

Primarily for Wives - woman's lower libido, tantalizing the husband after marriage, over-doing intimate exposure, best means for a wife to maintain her sexual appeal, sex-sloppy wives, selection of the under-clothing, natural female functions of interest to the husband.(This whole chapter looks like a FUCK YOU author chapter. I can bet you $ I will have some things to say about this.)

Pre-coital stimulation - husband's primary duty, necessity for wife to rid herself of inhibitions, the art of kissing, stimulating the clitoris, determining if lubrication of vulva is sufficient(will it go in easy and slide easy - sufficient).

Preparations for coitus - establishing a flexible plan, love-play for virgin wives, love-play for resourceful wife and timid husband, playing 20 sexual questions, pet names.

Positions for intercourse - reasons for various positions, accommodating mis-matched organs, position to view the phallos being inserted into the vagina, seated positions, aligning the sexual organs, air in the vagina(hate when that happens!), the ideal sexual union(I can only imagine what this dude will come up with).

Coital movements - keeping informed of the wife's progress(is there a plug in meter?), assisting the wife who has failed to climax, penis captivus(a problem????).

Special pre-coital stimulation - sexual black magic the timid brides dilemma, anal-intercourse, perfuming of the vulva(EEEK), vaginal urination(today I believe this is called squirting).

General Sexual Information - the orgasms, length of coitus(I am sure Mr. Davis will give exact times), genitalia hygiene for husbands and wives.

Part 2 will delve into the book itself. Please come back for that fun!!!

 

Leave it to the engineers...

The company I work for never ceases to amaze me at the things it comes up with to cause me to shake my head in wonderment.  Here is a new one I just HAVE to share with my readers.  This very detailed email was actually sent to an entire floor of workers. Be sure to contrast that with our floor. I have italicized the email. If you can't make it through skip to non-italic fields for rest of blog.

Subject: Refrigerator Cleaning Plan

 All,

Engineering has initiated a process to improve the cleanliness and health of the third floor refrigerators.  In order to begin the regular cleanings, the two units will be completely emptied and cleaned March 1, 2013.  All food located in the refrigerators or associated freezers on that day will be disposed.  Packages may be disposed or recycled.  Personal lunch pails and containers will be saved and placed on the counters for a week before also being disposed or recycled.

PLEASE EMPTY ALL REFRIGERATOR CONTENTS FOR THE MARCH 1 PURGING.

Going forward, a labeling system will be implemented to protect your food from disposal and to ensure all refrigerator contents are not expired.

1. Engineering will provide tape on a hook with a pen for labeling items.
1. Labels should include owner’s name and date of storage.
2. Write “FOR STAFF” if you’d like to share it with others on the floor.  “FOR STAFF” items will not be disposed until the expiration date on the item.
2. Anything not labeled at the last Friday of each month or that has a label that is more than a month old will be disposed.
1. Containers and lunch pails will not be tossed. They will be rinsed and placed on the counter for a week.
2. Food will be tossed in the trash can, liquids in the sink.

Thank you for your attention to the health and safety of the floor,

Did you actually read all that? I mean my head began to swim after the first couple bla bla bla sentances and I am a detail oriented person!!!

Now for the Refrigerator Cleaning Plan on our NON-engineering floor:

Note posted on refrigerator door -


THIS REFRIGERATOR IS BEING CLEANED TOMORROW. RETRIEVE YOUR FOOD BY THEN OR IT WILL BE TOSSED!

I like ours - simple, to the point, no bureaucracy.

Blast from the past

I found an O-L-D blog from a different website. I had to share. It is classic. I hope you think so.


There has been this blog sitting just OUT of reach in my sub conscious ALL day. I can feel it there and just when I think I know it will pop out it goes back in.

Hmm.... Kinda like constipation.

Blogging constipation - what a concept.

Where is the blogging laxative. I want to get it out!


Sometimes I crack myself up...I guess that is what is important.

Body Buttons and Guages

I hadn't thought about this much until reaching middle age when things start to wear out/go on the fritz. Our bodies can be an analogy to a car or other piece of machinery.

When we are young, we are like a shiny new car. We look good, we run great, and any dents in muscles or broken bones we have heal quickly and efficiently. We are also naive enough to think things will never change.

Then one day it does. It actually gradually happens over 10 years or so but you wake up one day and think....HOW did THIS happen?

I think I am at about 150,000 miles right now. I have some failings in various systems. First off my engine does not metabolize it's fuel as efficiently as it once did. The engine/stomach still demands the same amount of food, but since the car only tops out at 80mph instead of 150 mph the extra fuel turns directly into stomach or @ss fat. This does not look good on this older model car.

Next are the exhaust systems. This is very prone to failure in my model. It backfires something fierce and the bladder gauge never tells me the truth. One second it will be flashing red alert, get to the bathroom now or I will release here in the kitchen. Yet when you rush to the bathroom and complete the release cycle you find out it was only 1/4 full! Other times you go for hours and wonder how the bladder could handle all the backup.

Then there are the temperature gauges. These things are super sensitive in my model which has both a hot and a cold gauge. The hot gauge will not tolerate temperatures over 80 degrees. It is very prone to overheating even with proper hydration. Heat exhaustion has occurred frequently. The cold gauge is not any better. At approximately 8pm the model shuts down all heat stores and goes into freeze mode. Hands, feet, nose and especially @ss turn into ice. Core body temperature drops 2 degrees. Flannel pj's are must year round. Then 3am hits. The emergency generator kicks in and warms up the core temperature 5 degrees causing excessive sweating from the inside out. Flailing of covers and removal of all clothing occurs within seconds. Sometimes I think both gauges are on at the same time!!! This scenario is followed by sleepiness the following morning.

This article is limited to buttons and gauges but you must remember to care for with extra care the tires and body of these middle aged cars. Weekend warriors are especially susceptible to damaging the body of various models.  Healing of twice the time is likely. Same is true for filter abilities of the liver with copious amounts of alcohol consumed on weekends.  You get about 100,000 miles of wild drinking filtering ability before that organ begins its decent into what is affectionately known as "pickling" of the liver.

I hope to make it to at least 500,000 miles. I will keep making the needed repairs and hope for the best.

Have a great day!

Just one more reason to work where I do!

Never underestimate the cost savings our company enjoys by supplying us half a kitchen sponge.

 

 

I can't mention the company or anything else that could possibly get me in trouble and fired, which they would do but trust me these people make a LOT of money.

 

Thanks for the contribution co-worker. YOU know who you are :-)

 

Have Uzi will Travel

One of my cats did a funny the other day and I just have to share.  This story is about Buddy. She is our upstairs kitty. This means she has reign of the main floor in our home.  It was getting near bed time and during the night she sleeps in my daughters bedroom.

Hubby and I begin to look for her to put her "in" for the night. He finds her lounging on my son's bed. He goes in to shoo her back to the other bedroom and she squeals and growls like she is being killed. (This is normal behavior for this rescued kitty that was tortured in her previous home by an adult male.) She runs back into the other bedroom, we shut the door and head to bed ourselves.

As we are getting ready for bed, hubby notices something on his side of the bed near his pillow. It seems that Buddy has not so nice feelings for hubby. She placed a toy Uzi gun on his side just for him!

Hubby shows me and I BURST out laughing.  Seems that Buddy has plans for my husband and they aren't to friendly.  I just said he better watch his back.  His response: "Damn cats!"

Lena & Ole Joke

I just love silly jokes.  Here is one I giggle about every time I read it.

LENA and OLE ---
 Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole    and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!'
 Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too.'
 Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'

 
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.'

Happy Valentines Day!

Sending my love to my readers. I appreciate you reading my blog/blathering/random thoughts!!!


First the appreciative one:

And then the funny one for my weird sense of humor!!!

Love ya!

Wife Porn

I thought I would have a little fun tonight and post some wife porn.

You will understand when you watch.

Enjoy my silly humor.

Isn't he cute :-)

Banks

I do not like banks. They make themselves sound like they are your best friend. They are here for you. Come to us and let us help you reach all your goals.

LIES
LIES
LIES

They are here to make a buck off you just like the next guy.  I have bank accounts because they are a necessary evil not because I want one. I don't want them to be my friend. I don't want their advertising. AND I don't want their free picnic set for opening a savings account with them.

Instead, give me some decent interest off having my money with you. Don't charge me service fees for everything under the sun. Quit telling me you are here to help ME.

I think you get the idea.  I ran across this joke today. It sums it up perfectly.